John Cleese wrote:
John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]

Now, before you get your panties bunched up, it's BS, Cleese never wrote it (although I'm pretty sure he thought something like this).

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

I just thought it was a good funny



Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

Its funny. But I'd like to see it enforced.




Semper Fi SAINT. May you rest in peace.

we kicked them out 2 times already... i would be willing to do it once more.


Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

SOOO funny.....and the sad thing is.....a couple of those things SHOULD be enforeced (ie: the vegitable peeler and the consulting comments)....


And you gotta know someone somewhere is gonna take that WAY too seriously, and try to state those comments as facts, it is, after all, the American way

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It was quite funny and I am sure that most Europeans do feel that way about Americans. They are an angry bunch!

Most of the Europeans that I have met (non-British for the most part) do not like the fact that the United States is the world leader. There is a lot of resentment in their tone when talking about the differences. I met a guy from Switzerland one year at the SEMA show and he told me that Americans ask silly questions like if they have TV over there and other such questions. I then asked if they really do have TV and he was not amused; I was just kidding with him.

I feel that Europe is just further along in their decline than we are in the US and, as most people through history, the closer they are to the end, the more enlightened they feel that they are.

The funny thing is, you have people over here that want us to be like Europeans. The liberals love to point to Europe as a beacon of elightenment that we need to be striving for. I contend that Europe is almost spiritually dead and we are not too far behind. I just do not want to see us rush to that end any faster than we already are doing.


Chris Crossont
A.H.M. Performance
Baltimore, MD
http://www.ahmperformance.com

Well, being from outside the USA, I've been asked stupid questions by americans. No, I don't live in an igloo. There's a big difference between joking around (and letting the person know you're making a funny) and just being a jerk. I know there are Americans that know the difference about this as well, but a lot (and mean A LOT) don't, and you don't generally hear about the nice people that treated you with respect, you hear a lot about the morons that couldn't shut up.

Europe is, however on the rise, as they've had a free-trade agreement, and, here's the important part, the oil market is moving towards using Euros instead of greenbacks. They have mature and well rooted commodity and stock markets, and generally have a higher educational level. Also, culturally, you will not find a more diverse population in a given area. America, that I've seen is really homogenous in most areas, Houston TX looks pretty similar to LA, and that looks the same as Miami small differences abound but other than the old parts of really historic cities like New York, New Orleans (well, before Katrina), Boston and Philly, the rest of the main downtown areas are pretty much interchangeable.. with the notable exception of New York City/Manhattan.

Seriously, you can go from Britain to France, to Germany, to Italy and then Spain, and really find a wide diversity. I didn't get the chance to go to Italy personally, but I really want to go to the southern part of the continent and travel a little. From what I've seen, it's not declining, but revitalising what was already there.

Europe (that I've seen, I haven't been all over it, but I've seen a lot of the continent and the British Isles) is a lot more tolerant of new ideals, religion and people. If you want to call it spiritually dead, then I advise you actually GO THERE and discover that they keep their faith personal and don't make a television evangelical extravaganza about it. aside from the fact that there are a lot of cathedrals/priories/basillicas, most people observe their faith either quietly or on the en masse chosen day (be it dusk friday-dusk saturday, or sunday).



Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA german cars AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAA


british people piss me off.


-Borsty

diffrent US citys look the same.. because we are the same... WE ARE ALL AMERICANS.
you Fu-c-k with TX. and WI will help, along with all the other stats. try doing that to Europe and see what hapenes...

Chris Crossont, you make a good point, and its true.. just a matter of time.

and i for one dont want brit' crime rates... but gun control works

if what makes America, America is rednecks, beer drinking yanks that love to fight, than God willing i hope we can stay that way forever, enuf with all this PC bull@!#$.
i like my way of life, if all you want to bitch about my country, you are more than welcom to move...

but i dont see to many people DIEING to get there famely in to france...lol
( and this week on news center 40 kids died in a raft crossing the channel to day seeking refuge in france.)

i think not.

this country was founded with christan blefes, but now some liberal bastard, becasue he hasent worked a day in his life, wants to "help" every one else by not saying God.


this is a rant ( sorta ) and i really dont care if its hard to understand, but its probly becasue i
A) dont care
B) havent been fed with a silver spoon from day one
C) acualy got off my asss and served my country
D) dont have a degree in American englsh.

lol

GOD save the US.

Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

oh brother.... they say we are ignorant.

lol yeah i read that awhile ago. funny, even if cleese didnt write it.

Chris Crossont wrote:

I feel that Europe is just further along in their decline than we are in the US and, as most people through history, the closer they are to the end, the more enlightened they feel that they are.

The funny thing is, you have people over here that want us to be like Europeans. The liberals love to point to Europe as a beacon of elightenment that we need to be striving for. I contend that Europe is almost spiritually dead and we are not too far behind. I just do not want to see us rush to that end any faster than we already are doing.

^^i agree there.

Quote:

if what makes America, America is rednecks, beer drinking yanks that love to fight, than God willing i hope we can stay that way forever, enuf with all this PC bull@!#$.
i like my way of life, if all you want to bitch about my country, you are more than welcom to move...

even though i dont like being called a redneck (being from WV i get enough of that), i have to agree again. @!#$ the rest of the world. we shouldnt tell them what to do an they shouldnt tell us what to do. lets just ignore each other and live our lives

Emor8t wrote:oh brother.... they say we are ignorant.

And I even pointed out that it was a joke.



Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

GAM (The Kilted One) wrote:

Emor8t wrote:oh brother.... they say we are ignorant.

And I even pointed out that it was a joke.

GAM, everybody knows jokes are half "true"

In this case, a little more than half




Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

expect utah, which she doesn not fancy, lol


[img src="http://www.j-body.org/registry/mullett/personal_pic.jpg"]

I read like 2 paragraphs and then I was just annoyed...stupid british, more so stupid british famous people....like US famous people....there is a reason why Hollywood and DC are on opposite coasts.

I love the EU, the closest thing to an International monopoly ever created....not to mention that Western Europe wants nothing to do with the former satellite nations, for fear of a large economic down pull, greedy french $@


wow that was off topic....yeah I was just annoyed

Dude... it was a joke, and written by an american I nicely included a link to the snopes page.



Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

like i said, eavan if you were joking, you fuc-k with one of us you got the nataion...

Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

Taesch: just take it for what its worth, it's a joke. Lighten up already.



Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

oh, im laied back...but im also the first to fight...

and spell my name right already damnit.

lol latter

Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

gam, just let it go, clearly he dosen't under stand the monty python, sence of humor

as a non american i though it was hi-larious

.... so in that case, using you humor, france dosent deserve its independence, because we had to bail them out two times..... and im 95% shure the brits would have lost too.

Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

Taetsch, I was really hoping you were playing the fool, but I really think you don't get it.

Do I have to start a collection to buy you a clue?

I'll spell it out:

IT WAS A JOKE. NOTHING MORE THAN A JOKE.

IT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY JOHN CLEESE.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY AN AMERICAN.


And, my apologies for getting your handle wrong.

If you want to get bent about it, go ahead. You don't want to start a debate with me.




Transeat In Exemplum: Let this stand as the example.

I thought it was hilarious, some of that stuff really is out of control and needs to be taken care of




Yella02-I promise I will return to you in one piece and this will stay up until I am safely home

debating never won wars...

and ya i did take it as a joke.

no hard feelings...

and yes i was playing devels advicat.

Chris


"An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not of the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

Speech at the Second Virginia Convention at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia (23 March 1775) Patrick Henry

Taetsch Z24 wrote:.... so in that case, using you humor, france dosent deserve its independence, because we had to bail them out two times..... and im 95% shure the brits would have lost too.

Chris

shure......shure.......shure......


try sure.



Frank Serpico: The reality is that we do not wash our own laundry - it just gets dirtier.