No I'm not talking about the "Married w/ children" theme.

Basically im must blowing off steam and thinking out loud, but it will be nice to get feeback Ok so I have some friends who shall remain nameless. Two guys I've known for decades. Both of them are now married. Both of them seem unhappy more often than not.

First guy - both around 27yrs old - married for four years now and has a daughter. They struggle w/ money most of the time and that could be a lot of the problem. But they are two very very differnt people. The wife is boarderline OCD when it comes to clean and having everything put in a certain place. Husband is not a pig, but obviously not upto her standards. Husband is somewhat frugal and bargain conscious, while the wife would spend 500 bucks on a pair of shoes if she had it. That has calmed down quite a bit since the daughter though. I just hate to see both of them fight, but can't help but wonder if the daughter is the only thing keeping them together.

Second guy - both around 23yrs old - just married in may, but recently he and i had a discussion that ended up being about how he has to drink a six pack to deal w/ her complaining all the time. Obviously thats not a good solution, but again, these are two different people. The guy's in the armed forces and is due for his second deployment of his career, this time to Iraq. These two were dating during his first deployment, and i hate to say that they got along better when he was away.


Me - 26yrs old - very casually seeing someone for roughly a year. I don't know how to explain it, but its just a very comfortable casual dating type deal. We have dinner, hang out and stuff like that, but there is not a very strong sense of commitment. Neither of us are seeing anyone else though. We both have a history of @!#$ up relationships, so neither is in a hurry to jump right into anything. We don't talk about our future often, but i know i like her a lot and would like to move things farther.

In addition there is my 23yo brother who just recently called off his marriage because he realized that his fiance and him are too different and want very different things out of life. She wanted a fancy house at any cost. She was not very willing to hang out with my brothers family (me and our dad), and she was forever making ultimatums (ultimata? lol). So before getting in too deep, he broke it off, and now we actually hang out more than once in a while.

Now given the divorce rate in general these days and all the sad experiences my friends and family are having, why should I ever think about getting married?? Outside of the religious aspect, it just seems to complicate things and divorce is harder on everyone involved than not getting married at all right?

Thanks for reading this long!

oldskool wrote:why should I ever think about getting married??

You shouldn't even consider getting married until you find someone you just can't imagine being without. Too many people reason themselves into a marriage rather than love themselves into one. They figure they get along good enough, enjoy her company enough but ignore the intensity of their love.

I have plenty of female friends I would do anything for but there is only one girl I've ever met that made me want to plant my flag down and scream "MINE!!!" That girl is my wife (8 years married plus another 7 years dating). I'm very happy and wouldn't change anything.

Bottom line is, never do anything you don't want to do. If you're happy with the way things are going, them keep them going that way. But one day you might stumble into a girl that'll make you WANT to make room in your closet.

Hope this helps.


---

^^^Good Call.

The issue I see is that marriage, in the legal ramification point of this, is a joke. One could argue the religious ramifications, but that varies per which invisible freind you believe in. In all brutal honesty, the institution is far behind the times when it comes to dealing with both static and floating gender roles, and leaves both parties open for a huge proverbial shafting.

Couple that with the fact that it's too easy to get out of and there are some people out there that look at it as a meal ticket to whatever they fancy and threaten fleecing their partner or prospective partner, and couple that with the pressure from family or friends to "settle down" or whatever.

Seriously: take a look at both of your friends. Soem questions that come to my mind are this--in case 1: The husband should have known about her borderline OCD before getting married--how is he trying to compromise with that? The Wife--should have known that he does not meet her standards for cleanliness--how has she tried to compromise? Money issue: Do they have communal assets, or do they each have their own personal finances that they can spend on whatever they want? If they have communal assets---shouldn't they both have equal say and veto power in what gets bought? If separate--what's the big deal about her spending her hard-earned money on what she wants? As for the daughter: what's the take on her--are they using her as a bridge for the relationship? If so, expect huge resentment from her in the future.

Case 2: Husband--did he know she was a complainer before marriage? If not why not? Also--anyone that you have to use drugs (yes, alcohol is a drug) to deal with is not someone that you want to be bound by love, law, and finances. Moreso, why is she dealing with a guy that constantly has to drink a six-pack before dealing with her?

It would be intresting to know this history and the why of their nuptuals. Was she looking for a meal ticket? Was he looking for guarenteed poontang? What? It really sounded like they (both husbands and wives) really didn't think the matter through.

And like agustin said--do what works for YOU. If it's not conventional, don't force convention.

As for me--being seeing a woman I love more than anything for about 4 years now--totally unconventional, but it WORKS. We both communicate very effectively with each other, and couldn't be happier (except when we're apart, which hopefully will be fixed soon). We are both under no guise that things will be happily ever after ajnd both know that life will throw us curveballs down the path. Moreover, and most importantly IMHO, we deal with each other decently well when things are NOT good.

Marriage? We'll see. Right now we're not ready.


Goodbye Callisto & Skaði, Hello Ishara:
2022 Kia Stinger GT2 AWD
The only thing every single person from every single walk of life on earth can truly say
they have in common is that their country is run by a bunch of fargin iceholes.

I see where you're coming from with the prospect that maybe these people did not think things through. Being close to all of them, I would say they were well aware of their differences beforehand. In case 1, the daughter is 3yrs old, and if there is one thing they have in common its taking good care of her. As her godfather, I can say that whatever differences they have, she will ultimately be well taken care of and not used in their own battles. As for the rest, you hit the nail on the head, not enough compromise from both parties. They were aquanted/dating for at least a year prior to the engagement, and living together for about four months.

As for case 2, they had problems before they were married - they had broke up just months before the engagement and I actually spoke up and told him to take time and think about it. But he was convinced that since they could work it out that she was the one. Maybe the drinking is not as bad as i make it out to be, but i admit that after a hard day i milk a six pack in the evening too, so maybe im not one to talk.

But these were just examples that are near and dear to me and im thinking out loud. It seems like everyone feels some kind of pressure, and it makes zero sense to me. Keeper, you're right again - maybe it should not be so easy to get married and it certainly should not be so easy to end it.

sounds like both people in both instances really didnt know the person they were with. i mean in your case, its the first year, hell most people are still getting to know each other and not being your real self. so many people just get married to quickly because its expected of them or because they want to be grown ups or for allot of stupid reasons. me and my wife dated for 7 years before we tied the knot. by that time we new the real us and new nothing was going to change. marriage only changes you if your being fake from the beginning. my friend for an example. he was a good guy but drank too much. they got married and with in a year they were divorced. i asked her about it and she was like, well i just figured once we got married he'd grow up and stop drinking. i was like hon u new he was a drunk why would u expect that to change. she was like, well cause we were married. i just shook my head. im one of those people that doesnt see a big deal with the whole marriage thing, but my wife wanted it so we did. dont ever get married because of people pressuring you or anything like that, get married because you want to and not cause you have to.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/sndsgood/ https://www.facebook.com/#!/Square1Photography

1) marry a rich slut
2) smash repeatedly
3) smash sister/mother/cousin
4) setup a friend with new wife
5) catch in the act with video cam
6) divorce
7) profit






60% of the time, it works every time

All I gotta say is I love my wife and my son. I don't drink and I don't loathe going home everyday.

Biggest thing I have to say is LIVE together before you get married, I know its against every BS ethic people will throw at you, but you'll really find out if you can stand living with the person.


-Chris

Everyone makes some good points.

I think Jason made one of the most important ones: you have to be yourself around someone you're thinking of marrying long before you marry them. I'm sure the majority of people act at least slightly different when first dating, trying to be what they think the other person wants, or whatever, but not relaxing and being your true self. For some reason, a lot of people do this all the way up until they're married, then they drop the act.

For the two friends, my suggestion to them would be that they ask their wife to sit down and talk about their issues, and find a way to work through them. Especially the one who has the wife that likes to blow money. If they can work up a budget and keep to it, together, it will be much easier to not have problems over money.

I've been married for 9 1/2 years, and my wife and I have had our issues over many different things, but once we started actually talking about things, not in the heat of an argument, we have been much happier. Incidentally, my wife has the same tendancy to blow money too easy. This created some problems with us, but once we worked together to come up with a financial plan, we have not had the arguments (or surprizes) over money.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that it needs to be made harder to get married, instead of easy to marry, and hard to divorce. I think both should be difficult to achieve.

your story about the first couple really strikes a chord with me because it sounds so damn classic. YOu have your basic immature female, expecting everything to be perfect and then being resentful because its not. Dude sticks around because he "loves her". Now this usually happens, but not all the time, but, chick gets pregnant and has a total change of heart. By this time it is too late. Although the father loves the child and wants to be in his/her life, he no longer harbors an emotional attachment to the mother because she was being such a god awful rag all the time, and he cant understand how things can change so fast.

swag wrote:your story about the first couple really strikes a chord with me because it sounds so damn classic. YOu have your basic immature female, expecting everything to be perfect and then being resentful because its not. Dude sticks around because he "loves her". Now this usually happens, but not all the time, but, chick gets pregnant and has a total change of heart. By this time it is too late. Although the father loves the child and wants to be in his/her life, he no longer harbors an emotional attachment to the mother because she was being such a god awful rag all the time, and he cant understand how things can change so fast.

theres just as many instances where you have a immature male who gets a female pregnant and runs the other way ignoring her and the kid, its a two way street.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/sndsgood/ https://www.facebook.com/#!/Square1Photography